I was young once
by Snupin
Summary: Bookman understands love despite what everyone else may think. Bookman remembers when he was foolish enough to be believe that love could overcome anything. This is not a Bookman/Lavi fic.


Hi! I haven't written any stories recently so today i woke up and thought the time is right. I wanted to explain why Bookman was so unemotional. Hinted Tyki/Lavi.

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I was young once

The table that always wobbled when it was written on was thrown across the room, newspapers and maps cascading around the two figures like discarded leaves. I stood there watching the normally tidy papers gently fall back to earth in an unsightly jumble.

"Lavi" I said, keeping a strong hold on my frazzled nerves, "There is no need for this outburst. I have told you many times that a bookman should never lose-"

"Never lose his temper?! Why not? I think my anger is fully justified right now!" The young red head interrupted.

"Lavi, in your past lives it had never been so difficult for you to be a detached observer," the boy grimaced at the memory of his once perfect attitude, "but I understand that in this life as 'Lavi' you are not watching the conflict from a distance but are in the center of it." His shoulders relaxed slightly and he gave me a hopeful smile.

"So you do understand?" Lavi asked. I carried on as if he had never spoken.

"However, this attraction you feel for that man is ridiculous. He is your enemy."

"Tyki is different! I've told you so many times he's different from the other Noah. He has a conscience; he feels huge regret for what he has done." I shook my head sadly at the young boy.

When I first chose Lavi to be my successor I was more than a little apprehensive at his age, war is traumatic even for the warriors who fight it let alone for a young child watching. However, he had shown great control over his disgust and fear and proved what a hard worker he was.

"Not long ago, Lavi, you were safely on the path to becoming the perfect bookman." His stormy sea green eyes seemed surprised. A tinge of regret zinged through me, perhaps if I hadn't been so brusque with him this wouldn't have happened? "But along the way you have been led astray by temptation. Noah have great power, has the possibility that he is using you entered your mind?" Lavi closed his eyes and seemed strangely at peace with this.

"No, Bookman, you can try to dissuade me from being with Tyki but I know him. I have looked into his eyes, both grey and amber, and have seen love in them."

"Lavi, are you such a fool? Have you forgotten that being a bookman means _not _showing emotion, _not _being led astray by boyish fantasy and _not_ showing weakness to your enemy! Have you lost all capability to think about the consequences of allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of the Noah?"

"No Bookman. I have only recently become capable of thinking for myself. Tyki has shown me that there is more to life than being a bookman. When I was young, I had been orphaned. When you approached me and offered me a future I was the happiest boy alive. But now Bookman, Tyki has offered me a chance to help my friends. He wants to help _our _side destroy the Millennium Earl and I am not going to let _you_ destroy that chance." The boy looked determined, steely. Oh how I wish he could have been as resolute on our missions together.

"What are you trying to say Lavi?" I could already see it in his eyes. I should have told him, I should have told him that for a long time he had been like my son. However, it wasn't the first time I hadn't said what I wanted to most "I have put too much time and energy into training you for you just to give up and leave Lavi."

"I'm so sorry Bookman." I saw genuine regret in the boys emerald eyes and felt my old unused heart twist. "But I love Tyki and I cannot go back to a life without him. I don't want to be your acolyte anymore." Lavi turned away from me, with tears clouding his usually cheery green eyes. As the door to our room, no _my _room, closed soundlessly I wanted to throw off my mask and run after him. Tell me that he is my son and I can't lose him.

"Lavi, I am old. You are all I have left now" I whispered to the thoughtless wood. I wish I had told him. In my training I had made the mistake of falling in love as well and I had experienced first hand how soul crushing love could be. After all, I was young, once.

***

My young, foolish, 18 year old self walked through the grassy meadow to where my master and I were staying. We had been across the world together, documenting the rise and fall of royalty's most prestigious individuals, wars over petty issues and the opinions of the disgruntled populace. My master and I had stayed in palaces, sheds and under the open sky, so the empty thatched cottage wasn't the best of accommodation but nor was it necessarily the worst.

Yes, half of it had already been reclaimed by nature but I thought the weeds and vines growing over it gave it a somewhat mystical and romantic air. Perfect for what I was planning. My master was very young for a fully fledged Bookman. He was only roughly twenty seven but when I looked into his eyes I saw a man who had weathered the storms of centuries. This wasn't me just be melodramatic either, other people had often remarked that he was clearly older than the experiences of his age entailed.

I had been in town, sent to buy food for the two of us and while there I had bought him a single rose. My father never told me how to woo a man so I hoped with all my youthful heart that this would be easier than it looked.

The wind whipped my waste length brown hair around my face. I had often thought of cutting it to make travelling easier but my master had said I had "unnaturally fine hair for a man". That was around the time I had first identified the squeezing feeling in my stomach as (not indigestion which I had first thought but) love, so I was more than willing to endure it getting in my mouth and caught in bushes.

I looked through the cracked window pane to get a stealthy glance at my love. He was bent over a table, which always wobbled when it was written on, examining some stained and clearly weather beaten documents. His studious face caught the candle light which cast a half hearted glow over the cramped living room. When I was younger than I am now, (about seventeen) to learn more about my unaccustomed feelings I had read countless meaningless romances and found that my master was what you would call 'typically' handsome. He had a long straight nose, fully lips, a strong chin and a strong thatch of black hair. His eyes were black and could look straight into your soul, above them were two rather bushy eyebrows (which I had always had the childish desire to try to smooth out).

However, shortly after I started reading these books we had been hiking through Switzerland and it had become bizarrely cold, so he had dug through my bag, despite my protests and found them under my woollen jumper. Much to my mortification he had laughed and shockingly took out the sequel from my favourite series "Life after love" from his own bag. We had both spent the trip discussing which characters were our favourites and why. I had always been amazed how he could balance emotions with cool analytical logic bookmen were known for and he was renowned for across the world.

I pressed my nose against the glass, admiring his healthy and strong body when I felt the glass give, fell through the wall and smashed on the floor jerking me out of my reverie.

"I whole heartedly recommend the door when you wish to get in next time" he laughed it off and opened said portal for me, his crooked boyish smile making me blush even more.

Later that night we were enjoying a meal of fish which he made. He'd tacked one of his cloaks to the window to keep the wind out. We ate in silence while I tried to bring up the subject of the flower still carefully wrapped in my cloak. While I washed the plates a flash of light illuminated the sky and a few moments later thunder reached my ears.

"There is going to be a storm tonight" I jumped after hearing my master's voice directly behind me.

"Ah, y-yes" Brilliance, utter brilliance. He moved to sit at the table and gave me a knowing look.

"Is there something you want to say to me?" Huh? How does he know? Perhaps he saw the flower in my cloak. My eyes darted towards the garment and was relieved and disappointed to find it still hidden. His eyes followed mine and gave me a confused smile. "I only say that because you were so unnaturally quiet over dinner. You usually like to regale me with tales of your most recent adventure into the world of the market place and you are only ever quiet when you have done something, or want to do something." Revulsion settled like a brick into my stomach. Do I really bore him so often? How could he ever want to be with me when my conversation is so simplistic and mundane? Would I even become a good bookman when I was so easy to read? His resplendent laugh cut through the air. "I only say this because I missed your conversation. I like to say it is always good to indulge yourself in ordinary life every now and again." I exhaled a breath I hadn't realised I was holding. "So, did anything interesting happen? Did someone yell the price of their produce so loud you almost punched them?" He gave me a smile which was all teeth. I loved it when he was happy, he looked nine years younger like that.

" I bought something with my allowance" His eyebrows raised into the organised mess of his hair.

"Oh?" His curiosity was expected. He had started giving me an allowance a few years ago. Of course I refused it, saying he bought me everything I needed. However, he said it was different having someone else buying your clothes and books to buying them yourself. I was sceptical at first but it did make me feel immensely grown up buying my own things even if I didn't do it often

"I bought you a present" I took deep slow breaths to calm my heart like my master had shown me long ago.

"What's the occasion?"

"No occasion." _It's just that you're so beautiful you make my knees weak and I want to thank you for finding the time of day to deal with me and my imperfection _I added silently. "Here it is" I took the flower out from my cloak and handed to him.

"Well, this certainly is surprising thank… you" He froze when he saw what I was offering him. Was I blushing? My face felt hot, I must look stupid, why had I even bothered? He took my present and placed on the table in front of him. He sighed before he started.

"Why?" His simple question astounded me.

"Isn't it obvious? You're so kind and perfect and you make me feel special and-"

"No!" He cut me off. He carried on not unkindly. "No. I am your friend and mentor. I am not perfect. You can see the truth of this with my lack of intuition. If I had seen this coming I would have stopped it immediately." I felt tears slip past my control and roll down my face. "Do no cry." He commanded. "Bookmen do not show weakness. I am going to pretend that this is just some childish crush," I wanted to say that it wasn't. That my heart would wither and die if he believed that but the disappointed look on his face silenced me. "You have always been so promising. Yes, I thought it healthy when you read the romance books, and outlet for your hormones perhaps. But this is just foolishness." With that he got up and left me crying on the floor.

Over the next few years I tried to rebuild our friendship. I studied hard to please him. I was obedient. I became the perfect emotionless husk that bookmen were famous for. When my training was finished I knew he was proud of my turn around but that incident left a stain on my memory. One that will haunt me forever.

***

I closed the small distance from the door to the window, crumpling the papers under foot. I saw a dark haired figure walk underneath the trees surrounding the building guarded by seven exorcists. A familiar red head bounded towards them and jumped onto the man in the middle. I heard laughter from the pair and winced. I understand love, despite common opinion. My heart squeezed uncomfortably in my chest.

All I could do know is watch over Lavi, the boy who was my heart's son, and help pick up the pieces when Tyki destroyed him.

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Thank you for reading. Please don't forget to review. All comments welcome!!!


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